Assertiveness

Session Summary

This summary outlines a one hour introduction to assertiveness delivered as part of the Bournemouth & Poole College support staff development day on 26 April 2019.  The session was delivered by Lucy Duggan, director of Light Box Leadership, who coaches on a range of leadership subjects.  The session was attended by approximately sixteen BPC support staff from a variety of departments.  The interactive session explored assertiveness in the workplace, including the development of skills, confidence and a growth mindset.  Attendees were encouraged to participate in the group discussions and to carry out personal reflection after the session, in order to apply the principles to their own contexts.

What is assertiveness?

The session opened with a discussion of what assertiveness is and how it differs from passivity, passive aggression, and aggression. Passivity involves abdicating personal rights and responsibilities in order to avoid conflict, usually due to a lack of confidence or a need to be liked. Passive aggression may use silence or lack of cooperation to obstruct or undermine the other person.  Aggression involves obtaining or achieving a desired outcome by dominating others.  Those who are assertive pursue their objectives in a way which equally respects the rights and responsibilities of all involved.  

Why is assertiveness important?

The way we relate to others affects both our personal and professional relationships.  These relationships influence our wellbeing and success.  Although we may achieve short-term goals through aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviour, these interactions may be detrimental in the long-term.  Passivity can prevent us from contributing fully, while also leading to personal resentment if our own needs are not being expressed and met.  In contrast, assertive behaviour enables us to achieve outcomes more positively, bringing longer-term benefits in the process.

How can we become more assertive?

Assertiveness begins with clarifying for yourself what it is you want, and why you want it. This could be for a specific time and situation, or for your career and life more generally.   Developing a vision of what you want your future to look like can help you to do this.  For additional impact, contrast this with a “counter vision” of what the future will look like if you don’t change.

The four steps

When preparing for an assertive interaction, consider the most effective time, place and channel for the communication.  Would it be better to meet the person face to face, or contact them by email or phone?  Prepare as thoroughly as you can, ensuring you have any necessary facts and are clear about what you want to achieve and why.

1. I understand

Always start the interaction with support and alignment to build rapport with the person.  Finding a point of agreement or partial agreement will help to remove barriers and build trust.  Referring to common ground such as a shared goal may help with this.  It may be appropriate to ask open questions to encourage the person to clarify their needs, position or point of view.  This includes questions such as who, what, where and when. 

2.  I feel that… might…

Share your concerns without being accusatory or inflammatory.  Try to use “I” statements rather than “you”.

3. I would like/prefer…

Suggest the alternative course of action you would like to be taken, being as specific as possible.  Avoid using leading questions such as “Don’t you think it would be better to….” 

4. Is that okay?  What do you feel about that?

Check how the other person feels about the suggestion.  If they are unwilling to agree to your suggestion, go back to step 1, “I understand…”  Proceed by asking open questions to clarify your understanding and build rapport, and repeat the steps, taking into account their concerns.    

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

These four steps are based on the principles of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg 2009).  This approach recognises universal human needs and seeks to foster good relations through emphasising empathy rather than judgement.  The four part process involves stating observations, followed by feelings, needs and finally requests.

Making the case at work

The use of “scripts” (like that used in the four steps) can help in developing an assertive approach.  Consider the following elements when recommending and implementing next steps in a work situation.

1. Define it – specific steps you are recommending to get the desired result
2. Specify it ­– who, when, where, what you will be measuring etc.
3. Justify it – i.e. what you are basing the recommendation on (legislation, guidance, experience, rationale etc.  Give 1-3 of the best or strongest reasons, not all of them!
4. Fortify it – if appropriate, address possible challenges/obstacles etc.

Affirmations and experience

Assertiveness and confidence are closely linked.  Affirmations (positive statements) can be used to boost self-confidence by counteracting detrimental negative beliefs.  If used repeatedly, affirmations can help individuals develop a more positive outlook and change their behaviour.  Prominently displaying statements around the home, on mirrors, fridges and cupboard doors, can contribute to this.  Confidence built in this way needs to be consolidated through practical experience.  Stepping out of our comfort zone by taking on new challenges, acquiring new skills and gaining more experience will also increase our confidence. 

Fixed vs. growth mindset

Taking on new challenges can be beneficial, but also daunting. Fear of failure can keep us from trying new things, even when we know it’s good for us.  Having a fixed mindset can keep us stuck in our comfort zone.  With this mindset, there is a belief that qualities such as character and intelligence cannot be changed or developed.  Personal achievement is judged on the “end product” or final outcome, and there is an emphasis on the “now”.  Errors present a threat and failure is feared.  Challenges are avoided and there is a constant need for validation.  This can limit progress and achievement.  If something is difficult, and requires effort, this is seen as negative, indicating some inadequacy.  As a result such challenges may be avoided in the future.

By developing a growth mindset, we can overcome these fears and begin to welcome new opportunities.  With a growth mindset there is a belief that abilities can be developed through effort.  Instead of being a threat to the person’s confidence, challenging tasks are welcomed as an opportunity to grow and develop, resulting in new and stronger connections in the brain.  Those with a growth mindset are more resilient, and less likely to fear failure.   

Individuals can have different mindsets in different areas of their life.  Growth mindsets can be begin to be developed through fostering an awareness of the existence of the two mindsets.  The wording of praise can also have a major influence on mindset.  Focusing solely on the product, and praising how quickly or easily a person achieves the task, encourages the development of a fixed mindset.  It can create a fear that if a task takes longer, or requires more effort, the individual must be less intelligent.  By contrast, focusing on the process (rather than the product) encourages individuals to welcome challenge and hard work.  Praising effort, perseverance, progress, improvement and strategies encourages students to apply themselves even more in the future, without fearing failure.  If something has not been achieved, then it has simply not been achieved yet.

References

Better Than Yesterday, 2016. Growth mindset by Carol Dweck (animated book summary) – Growth mindset and fixed mindset [video, online]. YouTube. Available from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyIF5VUOJc0 [Accessed 30 May 2019].

Citizens Handbook, ca.2019. Nonviolent Communication [online]. Available from: http://www.citizenshandbook.org/nonviolent_communication.pdf [Accessed 29 May 2019].

Dweck, C., 2014. The power of believing you can improve [video, online]. YouTube. Available from: https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve?language=en#t-90409 [Accessed 30 May 2019].

Mind Tools, ca.2019. Using affirmations [online]. London: Mind Tools. Available from: https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/affirmations.htm [Accessed 30 May 2019].

Rosenberg, M.B., 2009. The 4-Part Nonviolent Communication Process (NVC) [online]. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer Press. Available from: https://nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm [Accessed 29 May 2019].